Yikes. Long time since I've had the chance to do this. This week's been kinda hectic. Actually, pretty much every week since I've come back has been kinda hectic.
There seem to be some lessons I just don't care to learn. Just for shits & giggles, I went back and read some old journal entries, circa 1998. Many of the same money woes that have been plaguing me recently were also troubling me then. They just happen to be more numerous now - or maybe it's just that the time and distance from the place where I was then just makes them seem somehow... less. Most of those entries were spent discussing how in love I still was with Gavan, despite his obvious "flaws." Which, of course, says two things to me: Three years ago I was a lot more judgemental than I am now (I hope!), and even then, though I couldn't actually bring myself to say so out loud, there were signs that the differences between Gavan and I were going to end up being too big to surmount. Hindsight's a beautiful thing, isn't it?
It was hard to read those entries in light of the last few weeks. Gavan's been fine about me staying at his house while I'm in town, even though I'm sure it would be much easier to move on in his life if I weren't around. It surely can't be easy to have your ex hanging around.when there's always the possibility that you might like to have a date or something.
I guess the truth is that, despite the fact that we've been more than civil to each other through this whole process, our seperation is like a big elephant in the middle of the room that neither of us likes to acknowledge. We want to be able to go on being friends, so I get the feeling there's lots of unspoken stuff floating around right now.
I'm considering a career change, by the way. I want to go back to school and become a librarian (I'm sitting in the Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh as I write this).
Which, of course, is bunk. Because of course, I'm thinking about a librarian who's locked away with his books, not having to deal with people. As if real librarians don't have to interact with people. Ha!
I'm just in a mood, I suppose. Antisocial. Worn out. Hmmm... depression, maybe?
There seem to be some lessons I just don't care to learn. Just for shits & giggles, I went back and read some old journal entries, circa 1998. Many of the same money woes that have been plaguing me recently were also troubling me then. They just happen to be more numerous now - or maybe it's just that the time and distance from the place where I was then just makes them seem somehow... less. Most of those entries were spent discussing how in love I still was with Gavan, despite his obvious "flaws." Which, of course, says two things to me: Three years ago I was a lot more judgemental than I am now (I hope!), and even then, though I couldn't actually bring myself to say so out loud, there were signs that the differences between Gavan and I were going to end up being too big to surmount. Hindsight's a beautiful thing, isn't it?
It was hard to read those entries in light of the last few weeks. Gavan's been fine about me staying at his house while I'm in town, even though I'm sure it would be much easier to move on in his life if I weren't around. It surely can't be easy to have your ex hanging around.when there's always the possibility that you might like to have a date or something.
I guess the truth is that, despite the fact that we've been more than civil to each other through this whole process, our seperation is like a big elephant in the middle of the room that neither of us likes to acknowledge. We want to be able to go on being friends, so I get the feeling there's lots of unspoken stuff floating around right now.
I'm considering a career change, by the way. I want to go back to school and become a librarian (I'm sitting in the Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh as I write this).
Which, of course, is bunk. Because of course, I'm thinking about a librarian who's locked away with his books, not having to deal with people. As if real librarians don't have to interact with people. Ha!
I'm just in a mood, I suppose. Antisocial. Worn out. Hmmm... depression, maybe?
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