Many of my thoughts lately have been tempered by a sort of melacholy blended with a mix of contentment and resignation. Contentment that my life seems finally to be moving forward again after the long period of wondering where I was going and what was happening in regard to my relationship with Gavan, resignation to the fact that while I still believe that my dreams will be fulfilled there's no such thing as instant gratification in my future, and melacholy over... a lot of things, I guess.
The feeling that I'm leaving my home, perhaps permanently? There's something about leaving Pittsburgh this time that feels more final. It's got at least a little to do with the fact that I know I really have no place of my own to come back to this time. I mean, I'm blessed with friends who would take me in with never a question asked, but Gavan's house is not mine, and the reminders of that are legion. He's recently started buying up furniture to replace the stuff that'll be going with me when I go - end tables and coffee tables and the like. Slowly but surely, the little things that marked this place as at least partially mine are being removed. And maybe I'm a little melacholy over the fact that I could have been part of his life for so long and it seems so easy to erase my presence here - just replace a few pieces of furniture.
Always one to see parallels to my life the music I hear, I was kinda struck by the lyrics to a Rascal Flatts song I heard a couple days ago, called I'm Moving On. They were something along the lines of
I had a wonderful talk today with Brian Czarnieki (and probably just spelled his name incorrectly), a friend who I've known from the acting scene in Pittsburgh for years. We'd not had a chance to catch up, really, of late, so it was nice to spend some time on the phone with him. He was the first person to point out how clearly my recent sadness was coming through in the journal entries. And I guess that it's pretty clear that I've been going through a lot lately, and been pretty down about it. But there's light at the end of the tunnel, friends, and it's that that I'm shooting for.
By the way, on a lighter note, check out this photo that I uploaded but had forgotten about. I took it while wandering Central Park one day - probably the day I picked up the tickets for Measure for Measure... I remember coming across this little garden and thinking, "I just have to have a picture of that..." This is the result:
The feeling that I'm leaving my home, perhaps permanently? There's something about leaving Pittsburgh this time that feels more final. It's got at least a little to do with the fact that I know I really have no place of my own to come back to this time. I mean, I'm blessed with friends who would take me in with never a question asked, but Gavan's house is not mine, and the reminders of that are legion. He's recently started buying up furniture to replace the stuff that'll be going with me when I go - end tables and coffee tables and the like. Slowly but surely, the little things that marked this place as at least partially mine are being removed. And maybe I'm a little melacholy over the fact that I could have been part of his life for so long and it seems so easy to erase my presence here - just replace a few pieces of furniture.
Always one to see parallels to my life the music I hear, I was kinda struck by the lyrics to a Rascal Flatts song I heard a couple days ago, called I'm Moving On. They were something along the lines of
I've lived in this place andSo I guess I've been thinking about that a lot, too. And the thought of leaving my friends, too. At lunch yesterday, Amy Hartman hugged me tight and, instead of saying "See you soon," she said, "What am I going to do without you?" Which broke my heart and unsettled me all at the same time.
I know all the faces...
But I never dreamed home
would end up where I don't belong.
I had a wonderful talk today with Brian Czarnieki (and probably just spelled his name incorrectly), a friend who I've known from the acting scene in Pittsburgh for years. We'd not had a chance to catch up, really, of late, so it was nice to spend some time on the phone with him. He was the first person to point out how clearly my recent sadness was coming through in the journal entries. And I guess that it's pretty clear that I've been going through a lot lately, and been pretty down about it. But there's light at the end of the tunnel, friends, and it's that that I'm shooting for.
By the way, on a lighter note, check out this photo that I uploaded but had forgotten about. I took it while wandering Central Park one day - probably the day I picked up the tickets for Measure for Measure... I remember coming across this little garden and thinking, "I just have to have a picture of that..." This is the result:
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