In keeping with my discovery that it's more interesting and fun to do my journalizing outside of the house, I've dragged myself off to Washington Square park to sit and contemplate the world with a laptop in my... well, lap.
It seems to me that the world is full of possibility when I get myself out and engage with it. Alone in my room there's space for the dark thoughts to roam free - but out in the world, with other people around, the darker thoughts are forced to share the space with the wonder that's invoked every time I find myself engaging the world - with people around or not.
I just read back over that last paragraph and thought to myself, "Jesus, I sound like a psychopath who's barely keeping the scary shit below the surface." That's not really what I mean by "dark thoughts." What I mean, mostly, are those thoughts that we all have when we're not positively reinforcing ourselves. The "I'm not good enough" thoughts. The "things will never look up" thoughts. Or in my case, more specifically, the "if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all" thoughts. I find that's how depression manifests itself in me - I shut myself away from other people and dwell on the sadder aspects of life; all the stuff that isn't right, as opposed to the myriad beauties around me.
I had to stop and put the computer away, because it began to drizzle - the day is party cloudy, and some of those clouds have the suspicious appearance of rain clouds. But they come and go, so it's okay. Now the sun is shining again, and it's really quite beautiful out, if a bit humid. I think the temperature is hovering somewhere around 87°. A little hot, maybe, but otherwise fine.
You know what I love about parks? The feeling of ease - of having been disconnected from the wider world and somehow plugged in to something quieter, something calmer, something more essential than the everyday world. That, and that you find all sorts of people indulging in the calmness that is a park... it's a communal gathering ground where people who have no otherwise apparent connections can share the same experience, and take different things away from it. Somehow, the park is still the park, but it's all these different things to different people.
Of course, too, I get to indulge in my favorite past-time: People watching. I found myself sitting on a bench across from a rather attractive young man, and as I had my camera with me, I snapped a quick photo. But it occurred to me suddenly to wonder again why it is that I find myself wanting to snap these sorta voyueristic photos. When I thought about it, at least a part of the reason came to me: it's at least partially about capturing something beautiful (or, at least, beautiful to me) and being able to hold on to it - making it less ephemeral... that's what photographs do. Makes me wish that I was somehow better at it than I am. Something to think about someday - a photography class; a better camera?
It seems to me that the world is full of possibility when I get myself out and engage with it. Alone in my room there's space for the dark thoughts to roam free - but out in the world, with other people around, the darker thoughts are forced to share the space with the wonder that's invoked every time I find myself engaging the world - with people around or not.
I just read back over that last paragraph and thought to myself, "Jesus, I sound like a psychopath who's barely keeping the scary shit below the surface." That's not really what I mean by "dark thoughts." What I mean, mostly, are those thoughts that we all have when we're not positively reinforcing ourselves. The "I'm not good enough" thoughts. The "things will never look up" thoughts. Or in my case, more specifically, the "if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all" thoughts. I find that's how depression manifests itself in me - I shut myself away from other people and dwell on the sadder aspects of life; all the stuff that isn't right, as opposed to the myriad beauties around me.
You know what I love about parks? The feeling of ease - of having been disconnected from the wider world and somehow plugged in to something quieter, something calmer, something more essential than the everyday world. That, and that you find all sorts of people indulging in the calmness that is a park... it's a communal gathering ground where people who have no otherwise apparent connections can share the same experience, and take different things away from it. Somehow, the park is still the park, but it's all these different things to different people.
Of course, too, I get to indulge in my favorite past-time: People watching. I found myself sitting on a bench across from a rather attractive young man, and as I had my camera with me, I snapped a quick photo. But it occurred to me suddenly to wonder again why it is that I find myself wanting to snap these sorta voyueristic photos. When I thought about it, at least a part of the reason came to me: it's at least partially about capturing something beautiful (or, at least, beautiful to me) and being able to hold on to it - making it less ephemeral... that's what photographs do. Makes me wish that I was somehow better at it than I am. Something to think about someday - a photography class; a better camera?
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