I'm having a difficult time believing that I'm actually sitting down to write this entry. My time in Philadelphia is over - The Pavilion has closed and I'm on a train back to Pittsburgh. We just passed Altoona, PA - About 2½ hours out from Pittsburgh. I'm returning to a different place than the one I left - at least in my heart it's different. I don't really feel as though it's my home anymore; not that, at this point, I feel like I really have a home. Home is where your heart is, right? These days, mine's adrift.
It'll be good to see family and friends, that's for sure. They, at least, feel to me like an anchor. Most of the pain and hollowed out feeling I've carried through much of this past summer is gone. What's left is a combination of dread at having to deal with the final details of parting from Gavan, and excitement at the world of possibilities that are opened to me. The closest analogy that I have in my life is the time at which I'd made the decision to quit my job and take up acting full time.
I kinda had a strange revelation while I was out with the gang for our closing night celebration last night. I've spent so much time allowing myself to be glum over breaking up with Gavan and obsessed that he might already be moving on to a new relationship that I've misdirected my focus in the mistaken belief that I need to do the same thing: find someone new. Nothing, I think, could be further from the truth. What I really need to do is get myself organized, get happy with myself again, and then let those things flow as they will.
I've forgotten what it's like to be totally comfortable with being alone, and what wonderful company I can be for myself. Cliches are cliches for a reason - they're true - and I've known for years (but temporarily forgotten, apparently) that the only way some one else can love me is if I love myself. It's time I recognized that I haven't really been very loving to myself for a while.
Much to my chagrin, I gained back five pounds while I was in Philadelphia. Back up to 152 pounds. Not something to get overly upset about, but I sure did enjoy being under 150 for the first time since I was just outta high school! Toni will be glad I don't look so thin and anemic anymore.
I'm staying with her in Pittsburgh, by the way. She's a godsend (and I know she reads this journal, so it's a pointed suck-up). I'm usually one of those people who can't stand to ask for things, and it was like pulling teeth for me to ask if I could stay with her - which is kinda ridiculous, since she (and almost all of my other friends) would give me the shirts of their backs. If I dressed like them.
How about that picture above? It's one of the last ones I took in Philadelphia - from my favorite bench in the boneyard at Christ Church, in Old City Philadelphia. This church is right next door to the Arden, and was a great hangout ('specially during the Indian summer) for peace & quiet while trying to learn lines.
Time to sign off, before the battery runs down. Until the next update, friends, here's hoping you're well and life is treating you the way you deserve!
It'll be good to see family and friends, that's for sure. They, at least, feel to me like an anchor. Most of the pain and hollowed out feeling I've carried through much of this past summer is gone. What's left is a combination of dread at having to deal with the final details of parting from Gavan, and excitement at the world of possibilities that are opened to me. The closest analogy that I have in my life is the time at which I'd made the decision to quit my job and take up acting full time.
I kinda had a strange revelation while I was out with the gang for our closing night celebration last night. I've spent so much time allowing myself to be glum over breaking up with Gavan and obsessed that he might already be moving on to a new relationship that I've misdirected my focus in the mistaken belief that I need to do the same thing: find someone new. Nothing, I think, could be further from the truth. What I really need to do is get myself organized, get happy with myself again, and then let those things flow as they will.
I've forgotten what it's like to be totally comfortable with being alone, and what wonderful company I can be for myself. Cliches are cliches for a reason - they're true - and I've known for years (but temporarily forgotten, apparently) that the only way some one else can love me is if I love myself. It's time I recognized that I haven't really been very loving to myself for a while.
Much to my chagrin, I gained back five pounds while I was in Philadelphia. Back up to 152 pounds. Not something to get overly upset about, but I sure did enjoy being under 150 for the first time since I was just outta high school! Toni will be glad I don't look so thin and anemic anymore.
I'm staying with her in Pittsburgh, by the way. She's a godsend (and I know she reads this journal, so it's a pointed suck-up). I'm usually one of those people who can't stand to ask for things, and it was like pulling teeth for me to ask if I could stay with her - which is kinda ridiculous, since she (and almost all of my other friends) would give me the shirts of their backs. If I dressed like them.How about that picture above? It's one of the last ones I took in Philadelphia - from my favorite bench in the boneyard at Christ Church, in Old City Philadelphia. This church is right next door to the Arden, and was a great hangout ('specially during the Indian summer) for peace & quiet while trying to learn lines.
Time to sign off, before the battery runs down. Until the next update, friends, here's hoping you're well and life is treating you the way you deserve!
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