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Happy St. Patricks Day!

Ah, the dating game.

Had a date with a lovely guy last Monday. We were supposed to get together again on Thursday, but he canceled at the last minute because he had to work.  Instead, he suggested having lunch tomorrow. So I saw him online today, and we started chatting, and I asked him, "So, are we still on for lunch tomorrow?"  Guess what? Yessireebob, he canceled again.  He was all, "I really want to see you again but I have all these commitments."  Auditions coming up for summer theaters, and of course he works several different jobs.  No offer to reschedule this time, and it's not like, after being blown off twice, I really want to try to reschedule.

What is it with people? Why can't they just say, "Sorry, I don't dig you," and be done with it? I'm a little tired of people who're afraid of conflict and can't just say "no." I'm a little fucking over having to dance around fucked up people who're so easily damaged by rejection they think the rest of us are the same way.  I'm a fucking actor, for chrissakes.  You don't think I've been rejected a few times?!?

I'm feeling a little sorry for myself today, 'cuz I've been stung by the weekend. I was alone, had no plans, so I called five, count 'em five, different friends this weekend, just to say "hi, what're you up to, if you don't have plans maybe we can hang out." Not one of them called me back. Not even to say "hey, sorry, already made plans."

There's no point in denying it or trying to soften it. I'm hurt by the fact that I don't rate a return phone call. I mean, I know that my friends have lives and nobody's sitting around waiting for my call - they're busy people... but crap! A three-minute phone call? A voice-mail message? I'm no angel when it comes to promptly returning phone calls, so I suppose I'm not in much of a position to cast stones. But, fuck!

Of course, it goes much deeper than not getting a return phone call from my friends.  Much as that bugs me, I'd be lying if I said it didn't all go back to this lack of boyfriend thing, I think. I'm missing having someone in my life that reminds me that I'm important to his. Much as I'd like to believe that I can stand on my own, that I can entertain myself, that I don't need another person to validate me (and truly, usually I don't)... I miss... no, I can't really say I miss it, 'cuz I'm not sure I ever had it... I pine for an "other half," I guess.

Nothing against Gavan, but I think he knows that my biggest problem when we were together was that I didn't seem to factor much into his decision-making process. He was very loving, but when it came time to make plans, or to choose between me and having fun with his friends, it was always pretty clear where his priorities lay. So, alas, I think I'm finally putting into words a longing that I've had for a lot longer than just the time since we've broken up.

So, anyway. I'm wallowing in self-pity today. Get over it. I will, eventually.

Happy St. Patrick's Day.  Are we at war yet?