It's busier than usual in here tonight. I was hard-pressed to find a seat.
I find myself in a foul humor, today, and the reason for it kinda surprises me.
Last night a friend of Kenny's (it's probably best to give this guy an alias... let's call him "Midnight Prophet") came to see the show, and I was unable to take my eyes off this guy. I kept finding myself staring at him at the table when we all went out afterward. If I were able to custom order a boyfriend, it would have been someone who - superficially, of course, since I really know next to nothing about Midnight Prophet - would have looked and acted like Midnight Prophet. He's about my height, a bit slighter than me, and had features that were all angles without being too sharp. And he was clearly pretty smart. He looked like he was in his mid 20's, and is actually a lot closer to my own age.
What about this, you may ask, was there to put me in a foul humor? I'm not sure, but finding out that Midnight Prophet had (of course!) a boyfriend just suddenly convinced me that I can never ever have what I want in life, and I'm forever going to have to be satisfied with the scraps the universe tosses me.
And I'm not a fool - I know how ridiculously blessed I am. I know.
But there it is, still.
There's so much wrong with the way I'm thinking I can't even begin to enumerate it all, not least of which is objectifying a perfectly lovely (and I do mean lovely) guy like Midnight Prophet by reducing him to a laundry list of the things I find attractive. As if somehow it's all about what I want. I loathe people who are that self-centered!
I guess my loneliness and dissatisfaction with the parts of my life over which I feel I have no control is especially acute because I'm broke, I'm tired, and it'll be a while before the stuff that I want to be settled truly is.
Seeing Kevin and Kirsten last night didn't help. I didn't really get a chance to visit with them because of my complete and total inability to tear myself away from Midnight Prophet. So of course, on top of everything else, I have serious guilt that I was ignoring my friends when often the only thing that can cheer me up is a dose of the Lagemae, and I hadn't seen them in, like, over a month! Some friend I am, huh?
On top of everything else, I was a little thrown by the fact that they hated Tartuffe - which pretty much makes it unanimous among my friends. Doug & Janet hated it as well. Pretty much everyone upon whose opinion I place any sort of weight has hated it.
That's a first for me. They've all gone out of their way to tell me (and Ken) how good we were - all of the actors, actually - but they all hated the concept and the direction. And it kills me, 'cuz I love it!
I'm torn too, of course, because the audiences seem to be loving it... but I've seen enough cases of people grinning while they're being force-fed shite to put too much faith in that.
So this Midnight Prophet thing has sort of got me out of sorts and bleak-feeling. As if finding this guy who appears to be everything in the world I want but not being able to have him has crushed any hope of ever finding my dream man. Which, by extension, makes me wonder about my other dreams, and the futility of their pursuit.
Maybe my pessimistic upbringing is just catching up with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment