Unformed

This is an entry I can't post until I've left my job!

I made the trip into Philadelphia to audition for The Underpants at The Arden Theatre Company.

The past few weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind.  I finally got the chance to give my notice, which my boss accepted -- to my surprise.  I guess I (foolishly) thought she wouldn't let me get away.  Just goes to show that no one is irreplaceable, I suppose.  Alas, though disappointing, it's not completely unexpected.

So, after June 11, I'm a free agent, and I've got to worry about that next job.

That's why this audition for the Arden is a pleasant surprise.  I got the call to audition at exactly the time I was sitting down to give notice, so I'm taking it as a sign from the Universe that I've (for once?) maybe made a good decision.  We'll see.

So, happy birthday to me!  I can't believe that I've actually reached my 40th birthday.  I sure don't feel 40, but sometimes I wonder.  My big regret isn't that I'm not young anymore, it's that I don't look young anymore.  Used to be I was 34 and looked 24, then I met with some hard times -- 2001 was not a good year for me -- and suddenly I looked a lot closer to my real age.

 In fact, turning 40 hasn't, I think, quite hit me yet.  The very idea of it strikes me as inconceivable, really.  The fact that I'm older than my parents were when they had me strikes me as absurd.  The fact that I'm older than all of the mentors of my youth -- including most of the teachers under whom I studied -- just weirds me out completely.

Were they, I wonder, as worried about how... unformed they felt when they turned 40?  Were they all as certain that they were doing the right thing with their lives and at the same time so baffled at how they were executing the plan?  Did they all have -- did any of them have -- this feeling that everything was live at every minute, that they were flying by the seat of their pants?  I've often complained that I felt as though I was sleep-walking through parts of my life, but lately that hasn't been a problem.  Lately it feels as though my life is a wild animal bearing down on me.