Only in New York

I got this e-mail from Kenny late Tuesday night. Oddly, he tried to get me to go on this audition with him, but I resolutely refused, having promised the evening to Fozzie:

I feel I should relate the following to everyone I told I'd be auditioning for a documentary film for TV:

I had another "only in New York" experience today. I got a lead on what I thought was an audition for a new reality show on cable TV called SHOW ME NEW YORK where they wanted people to show their favorite parts of the city. I phoned an inquiry this morning and they set up a time to meet me in the afternoon. I had to get a buddy to audition with so I called my friend Virginia. I met with one of the producers and apparently impressed them enough with my ideas that they said they'd be filming my segment this evening at 5:15!

So, at the appointed hour I get to the meeting place, and the Children's Zoo at Central Park was chosen as the place we would go to film my segment. The contact person said that a car would be coming to pick us up and transport us. We waited. Finally she said that the car was held up in traffic that we'd have to take a cab up. She asked me to hail down a cab, I do and get one immediately. Virginia get into the cab- it's one of those giant ones. The driver is American! I comment on the unusual nature of having a cabbie who can speak intelligible English...or any English for that matter. I look around the cab- it's rather nicely appointed with postcards posted on the dividers for us to look at- suddenly, the ceiling of the cab bursts into multi-colored flashing lights!, music with a heavy back beat blasts from the sound system! and the cabbie turns around to us and says: Welcome to CASH CAB!!!!

Apparently, we had fallen into a game show.

The driver explained the rules of the game to us. We listened in a glazed over haze of disbelieve. One of the rules said that if we missed three questions we'd lose any money we'd won up to that point and the driver would dump us out of the cab. Virginia agreed for us that that sounded reasonable except for the dumping us out short of our destination clause. We explained that we had to shoot a segment of a documentary at the Zoo and couldn't be late. It was then further explained to us...in retrospect, I think we were still in shock...that the documentary was a hoax to get us on the game show. Then I noticed the camera...which was cleverly hidden in a silver dollar sized hole cut out of the postcard not 10 inches from my face. And I also spied the camera hidden in plain sight right next to it. (No need to comment on my finely honed actor's skills of keen observation.)

So, the game was to answer a series of trivia questions which progressed in difficulty and winning power as we honed in on our destination. We had 15 seconds to discuss answers between ourselves- in an animated and fun but totally natural and relaxed way, and then as I happened to be sitting in the seat with the best vantage for the camera, I was to give our final answer. If we had any trouble with coming up with an answer we could either phone up a friend for help, or make an appeal to a pedestrian on the sidewalk. We breezed through the $10.00 not even pausing to think. The $50.00 questions were indeed a little harder, but we did ok without outside help. We fell down on one or so of the $100.00 questions. We opted to phone a friend for help on a question concerning economic history. (They weren't kidding when they said the $100.00 questions were hard!) We forgot that in these modern times, no one answers their cell phone when they don't recognize the caller! (Thank you Christopher. Thank you Mary. Could have been on TV...) Finally we got Virginia's boss on the phone, and she gave us the correct answer! All praise and honor due to you, oh Peggy. At any rate, we managed to reach our destination before we had missed the requisite 3 questions which would have gotten us pitched penniless on the pavement. We were ready to exit the cab with our $500.00 winnings gratefully pocketed when the cabbie turned to us and asked if we wouldn't care to double our winnings by answering one more question...

We debated for a fraught two minutes. Our decision was that since we had come into the day with no money, that it wouldn't hurt to leave it that way- we'd at least have a good story to tell. So we risked our winnings. This next part hurts. We were asked to give the names of the three lunar modules on the most recent mission to Mars. Hurts just hearing about it, doesn't it? Well, in case you're wondering it's Serenity, Spirit, and...oh...something else. I forget.

Like I said, I now have a good story. And I am pleased to say that I did not behave like a typical game show jackass and jump up and down to excess and squeal maniacally with each correct answer I gave. I was a dignified, cordial, and happy contestant. And a graceful loser.

Afterwards, Virginia and I took a little stroll in the park to wind down from our whirlwind experience. I couldn't afford to go into the zoo because...well, I didn't win anything and I had about $5.00 on me which I spent on an ice cream for Virginia and I. A bird pooped on my head. Twice. This happened within the space of five minutes, which leads me to believe that the little sucker was being deliberate. And that's just mean. That was a mean spirited little bird. A sparrow, I think. Normally, I quite like sparrows, They're so fat and poofy and seemingly sweet natured; but I have to admit to really resenting this particular bird. I suppose I ought to be thankful it wasn't a pigeon. Feeling unclean and outcast, I decided to forgo the gym for the night and go home. But not before I shared my little adventure with all my friends.

Oh, and in the subway, I saw Damon Wyans! Two out of three- not bad for one evening after work.

I'm going home to take a shower now.

Oh, and by the way, the segment will air on the Discovery Channel some time in July. If I find out exactly when, I'll let you know, so you can witness my folly.

Like I said: Only in New York.