Come the Revolution

As you are no doubt aware, I am destined to rule your petty world.

Don't worry. As long as you bend yourself to my will, your puny existence will be allowed to continue in pretty much the fashion to which you've become accustomed.

There are, however, a couple of rules it would be unwise of you to flaunt. I'm not saying I'll order your summary execution out of hand or anything, but let's just say that it would behoove you to be wary of my mood if you decide to transgress, puny plebeian.

So, forthwith, some things to consider in anticipation of my coming Reign of Terror Enlightenment:

1. If you're taking up air on a stiflingly hot subway car and I happen to board that car on my way to work, get off. Quickly.
   
   
2. If we're caught together in a rainstorm, and you decide to wield your circus tent-sized umbrella in a fashion that takes into consideration none of the people around you, you need to know I'm going to have your fingernails pulled out. While having your feet held to a nice charcoal brazier. While a slave princess scrapes away all seven layers of your biggest organ with a very, very sharp knife. And no, you sad and pathetic John Holmes wannabe, I don't mean that organ. I don't even think that qualifies as an organ. About that, I could be wrong.
   
   
3. If ever I'm wrong, you might want to refrain from pointing it out. See #2 above. I'm just sayin'.
   
   
4. When I summon you into my presence and ask, "Puling sycophant, how best do you think we could reduce our dependence on foreign oil?" it would behoove you, believe you me, not to suggest that we adjust Daylight Savings Time. That's just gonna really fucking piss me off.
   
   
5. Chew with your mouth closed. It's just polite. And will likely stifle any urge I have to cut out your tongue.
   
   
6. Don't cancel TV programs of which I'm inordinately fond. It doesn't matter if they're inferior to previous efforts by the same creative team, or even if they are, at some times, just plain bad. Don't do it. There'll be consequences. [Please note: I know this doesn't apply to everyone, but cross me and see if you don't meet the tragic end of some network executive.]
   
   
7. There can never be enough ass kissing. However, don't think for a moment I'm going to let my guard down and give you a chance to impale me with a dagger while you're back there. Ass stabbing is guaranteed to irk me.
   

That is all. For now.