On Loving Your Customers

I've been a fairly satisfied customer of Sprint's for over ten years. In that time, I've only had three models of cell phone, and I've never had a complaint, though I don't exactly love the latest one. Lately, however, I've been less than thrilled with the Sprint service. Now that I actually have an office, when I'm in it I can't keep a signal long enough to complete a call.

I realized recently that my latest two-year contract is expiring in November, so I wrote Sprint's Customer Service and asked to what sort of penalties I'd be subject if I chose not to renew my agreement and started service with another provider before then.

Frankly, I didn't expect Sprint was gonna be all, "Oh, you want to leave us? Let us make it easy for you!!!"

But I have to say, I didn't really expect the classic Kill Them With Kindness, Illiteracy and Grammatical Clusterfuckery tactic:

Dear Joseph,

Thank you for contacting Sprint. I will surely assist you regarding the satisfaction of the Two year term PCS Subscriber agreement.

I noticed on the account that the satisfaction date of this agreement is November 11, 2007. If the services are cancelled before this date then our system will automatically charge an Early termination fee of $200.00 on the account.

You have been our customer for a long time. I know that you are valuable to us and we really appreciate your business. We would be really disappointed to lose you as a customer.

Please let me know if you have any concerns and I will certainly resolve them up to your satisfaction.

If you need any further asssitance then please write back.

Thank you for emailing us. It was a pleasure assisting you and I look forward to more opportunities to serve you in future. Have a great day!

Sandy O.
Business E-Care
Sprint
"Where our customers come first!"

Really? Asssistance? You're going to take my concerns and resolve them up?!?

"We love you so much that, if after ten years as a customer, you try to leave us even two months early we're gonna bend you over and dry fuck you with a $200 penalty! 'Cuz we can!"

Way to make me rethink that whole "jumping ship" thing, Fuckfaces.

Now, of course, my first instinct, being the Gadget Whore™ that I am, would be to go for the iPhone. But since I would rather have smoldering bamboo shoots shoved under all my fingernails and in my eyeballs before having Cingular and/or AT&T as a cell phone provider, I'm going to go with the upstart Helio service.

Luckily, working at The Velvet Prison affords me a pretty sweet discount on devices and service, so although I'm upgrading to a ridiculously more tricked-out device and plan, I won't be paying that much more.

I just have to wait 'til Sprint stops heaping their "love" all over me.