Train Clusterfuck

You know you're having a bad day when you get home and try to unlock the door to your building, only to discover that your keys aren't, as you believed, in your pants pocket, but are instead sitting on your desk. Where you aren't.

But you know your day is really bad when you return to work, pick up your keys, and then get stuck for a ½ hour on a broken train. Underground.

I'm just sayin'

Group Cruelty is the New Funny

Not long ago, I was riding the subway home late at night, and there was a guy next to me who was falling asleep. He wasn't just one of those guys whose head nods 'til he's in danger of pitching forward and snaps back. No.

This guy would slowly rock forward in his sleep, but his body would arrest that motion, not by jerking backward, but by gently rounding his forward momentum off to the side. In essence, the guy was describing great, wide arcs that brought him precariously close to the people on either side of him.

Which, for some reason, amused the guy sitting across from him no end.

And that guy went out of his way to make sure everyone around him knew he wasn't thinking, "Look at that, that's kinda funny." He was very pointed letting everyone know he was thinking, "That guy over there? Who maybe worked hard at a really long shift? The one who's so tired and so deeply asleep on the train that he's literally flailing about in his sleep?

"He deserves to be mocked."

And so he started including other people around the guy in his little joke, until most everyone was opening laughing at the hapless idiot who was so exhausted he couldn't wait to get home to sleep.

The thing I wonder is this: When did I become the self-righteous, obnoxious guy who, rather than joins in and sniggers at the fun, begrudges the mob their fun?

A.Pants calls me a curmudgeon. Often, I want to say to him, "You've totally got me all wrong," but this time, I think he may have called it.

Diffidence is the New Hot

I've just randomly decided that. Carry on.

The Umbrella Dance

There's a curious thing about walking in the rain in New York City. Unlike in London, where you'd likely be mocked for using an umbrella (er, bumbershoot) during a light rain, in New York, everyone carries umbreshoots and wields them rather unmercifully. And, if I may be frank, rather clumsily.

Perhaps it's not so much "clumsily" as "self-centered-ly." Eyes poked. Faces gouged. That kinda thing.

Once upon a time, I loved the Umbrella Dance, but having done it for years (and, mind you, I don't exempt myself from that whole "clumsily" thing; I just give myself credit for being aware and at least trying to avoid the whole eye-poking thing), I find that I really don't have a lot of patience for it.

So when I found myself dancing down the street, being whacked and poked by more umbrella tines than you can shake a stick at, I had a really distinct thought on the corner of 58th Street & 7th Avenue:

"I can't wait to get back to Brooklyn, where I don't have this problem."

Which is why, at times, even if I can conceive of having the money to do so, I can't really conceive of living in Manhattan.

Chuck Scarborough Turns to Sue Simmons...

This reminds me of the Fountains of Wayne song:

I Love David Sedaris

Don't Doubt The Cus, Part Deaux

A.Pants and I were out walking Atticus recently, and A.Pants decided to be a smartass.

"Atticus," he said to the dog.

Atticus stopped and turned to look at A.Pants.

"Where's Joe?" he asked the dog.

Atticus turned and looked me dead in the eyes, then turned back to A.Pants with a look that clearly said, "That's a trick question, right?"

I'm never, ever saying of my dog again, "It's a good thing he's pretty, 'cuz he sure is dumb."

I am, however, taking this episode as license to mercilessly mock my boyfriend.

Whirlwind

I'm sitting in JFK airport waiting to board a flight back to Pittsburgh. I'm going home to visit my mom, who's just had her second knee replacement surgery in six months.

Originally, she was supposed to have both knees done at the same time back in November, but there were complications with the first knee, so they had to put off the second until she'd recovered from the first.

Normally, they schedule people to have both knees replaced simultaneously for a reason: The procedure is apparently so painful that, given the choice, most people won't go back for the second operation.

My mom is a strong woman, yo.

I Think I Was Drunk...

... when I wrote that last entry. Worst. Sentence construction. Ever.