They say that all good things come to and end, and I guess that it's true. Funny how much they have to hurt to do it, isn't it?
Gavan and I ended our relationship this weekend - it was a mutual thing and completely amicable (though we haven't gotten to the divvying up the stuff stage yet... and I'm not particularly looking forward to that), and it's not like we and our close friends didn't see it coming, but it's still hard. It hurts to remember how much I loved him and how perfect things were when we first met. During "the talk," he made a very salient point; that being that we were absolutely perfect for each other when we met, and he was exactly what I needed at that moment, and I was exactly what he needed, and it was a miracle and kismet that we came together then. But things change, as they must, and we've grown apart. We've grown to want different things.
I don't think he ever thought otherwise, but it was important for me to make sure he knows that, regardless of the other stuff, I still love him, and probably always will.
That having been said, it's hard to put into words exactly how raw and torn up I feel inside. I've been jokingly telling my friends that my biorhythms must be seriously off recently... I've been sick with that awful summer cold and I've been emotionally down, trying to come to terms with the ending of this relationship. But I can never remember the third biorhythm... what is it? Intellect? Well, I can tell you that I haven't exactly been on top of my game there, either.
Some stuff has happened over the weekend - completely separately from the troubles Gavan and I have been having - that has got my head spinning. I'll write more about it, I suppose, when I can think about it more clearly... or at least without wanting to hurl the contents of my stomach everywhere. I'm just doing my best to hold on and maintain a steady keel.
And on top of all this, I had an audition for The City Theater's new artistic director, Tracy Brigden today. Not exactly something I was looking forward to, feeling as exposed and raw as I do. The last thing an actor wants to do when he's not feeling great about himself is audition and lay his heart bare for someone to judge him. Thankfully Tracy seems like a pretty nice lady, and she was very welcoming & made the experience as painless as possible. But boy, just once, I'd like to be a fly on the wall once an actor leaves an audition room... or be psychic, and have some idea of what they're thinking after I've left. What, I wonder, did they see? What did they think of the work I did? Sometimes I think it's just better that we can't know, or we'd probably never try to audition again. I'll tell you folks, I count myself a fairly accomplished actor, but I don't think all that much of my auditioning skills - so I'm totally a ball of insecurity after I come out of an audition. I need to be a whole lot less self-involved, probably, but it comes with the territory, I think.
I keep reminding myself that things are actually pretty good - they could be a hell of a lot worse; I'm not, after all, a refugee from ethnic violence in Balkan nation, or someone running from rebels and famine in sub-Saharan Africa. But at the end of the day, everyone's problems, no matter how small they seem to others, are still their own, aren't they?
So here I sit, and I'll hope you'll forgive me the self-pity. If you won't, well... fuck you. I'll survive without your compassion and empathy, but it would be nice to have. I'll get on without it, mind you, but I'm lucky enough to have a raft of friends who're thinking of me at this moment. I'd like to think that if our positions were reversed, I'd at least make the attempt to be sympathetic to your plight.
The kind of thing that's happened has a tendency to make you look really carefully at yourself - at least when it goes down the way it did, I think. I mean, had I done one horrible thing to Gavan or had he done something horrible to me - like cheating, for instance - then the tendency would be to focus all the energy and anger on the other person. But look, we both agreed that it's a mutual thing, and though I know there was a whole raft of niggling little things about Gavan that drove me toward my decision, and an equal number of things about me that made him come to his, it just seems to me that there's more of a tendency to look at yourself for blame. I wasn't up to the challenge. I didn't love him enough, or in the right way. I mean, I'm not an idiot, nor am I pathetically low in the self esteem department (but I am an actor, mind, so it's kinda built in that I need some kinda reinforcement - I mean, we come to the stage looking for something, right?), but I'm smart enough to know that it takes two to tango. It's just that I'm the sort of person (blame it on my upbringing - Roman Catholic) who, while perfectly willing to share the blame, first thinks about ladling out my portion of it.
So there you have it. That's where I'm standing. I'm a little scattered, and I've the feeling that I've got to put my ducks in a row before heading back to New York City tomorrow. The scary thing is that I don't feel as though that's going to happen (not that you can order the affairs of your heart in a couple of days), but I'm a little scared that it's never going to happen.
How do you leave the person you thought you'd spend forever with? How do you do the things necessary to end it succinctly without burning bridges and avoiding hurt when you so want to believe that it's not completely your fault? How do you get angry enough to end it without being angry enough to say hurtful things? How do you be an adult?
Anyone have a manual they can loan me?
Gavan and I ended our relationship this weekend - it was a mutual thing and completely amicable (though we haven't gotten to the divvying up the stuff stage yet... and I'm not particularly looking forward to that), and it's not like we and our close friends didn't see it coming, but it's still hard. It hurts to remember how much I loved him and how perfect things were when we first met. During "the talk," he made a very salient point; that being that we were absolutely perfect for each other when we met, and he was exactly what I needed at that moment, and I was exactly what he needed, and it was a miracle and kismet that we came together then. But things change, as they must, and we've grown apart. We've grown to want different things.
I don't think he ever thought otherwise, but it was important for me to make sure he knows that, regardless of the other stuff, I still love him, and probably always will.
That having been said, it's hard to put into words exactly how raw and torn up I feel inside. I've been jokingly telling my friends that my biorhythms must be seriously off recently... I've been sick with that awful summer cold and I've been emotionally down, trying to come to terms with the ending of this relationship. But I can never remember the third biorhythm... what is it? Intellect? Well, I can tell you that I haven't exactly been on top of my game there, either.
Some stuff has happened over the weekend - completely separately from the troubles Gavan and I have been having - that has got my head spinning. I'll write more about it, I suppose, when I can think about it more clearly... or at least without wanting to hurl the contents of my stomach everywhere. I'm just doing my best to hold on and maintain a steady keel.
And on top of all this, I had an audition for The City Theater's new artistic director, Tracy Brigden today. Not exactly something I was looking forward to, feeling as exposed and raw as I do. The last thing an actor wants to do when he's not feeling great about himself is audition and lay his heart bare for someone to judge him. Thankfully Tracy seems like a pretty nice lady, and she was very welcoming & made the experience as painless as possible. But boy, just once, I'd like to be a fly on the wall once an actor leaves an audition room... or be psychic, and have some idea of what they're thinking after I've left. What, I wonder, did they see? What did they think of the work I did? Sometimes I think it's just better that we can't know, or we'd probably never try to audition again. I'll tell you folks, I count myself a fairly accomplished actor, but I don't think all that much of my auditioning skills - so I'm totally a ball of insecurity after I come out of an audition. I need to be a whole lot less self-involved, probably, but it comes with the territory, I think.
I keep reminding myself that things are actually pretty good - they could be a hell of a lot worse; I'm not, after all, a refugee from ethnic violence in Balkan nation, or someone running from rebels and famine in sub-Saharan Africa. But at the end of the day, everyone's problems, no matter how small they seem to others, are still their own, aren't they?
So here I sit, and I'll hope you'll forgive me the self-pity. If you won't, well... fuck you. I'll survive without your compassion and empathy, but it would be nice to have. I'll get on without it, mind you, but I'm lucky enough to have a raft of friends who're thinking of me at this moment. I'd like to think that if our positions were reversed, I'd at least make the attempt to be sympathetic to your plight.
The kind of thing that's happened has a tendency to make you look really carefully at yourself - at least when it goes down the way it did, I think. I mean, had I done one horrible thing to Gavan or had he done something horrible to me - like cheating, for instance - then the tendency would be to focus all the energy and anger on the other person. But look, we both agreed that it's a mutual thing, and though I know there was a whole raft of niggling little things about Gavan that drove me toward my decision, and an equal number of things about me that made him come to his, it just seems to me that there's more of a tendency to look at yourself for blame. I wasn't up to the challenge. I didn't love him enough, or in the right way. I mean, I'm not an idiot, nor am I pathetically low in the self esteem department (but I am an actor, mind, so it's kinda built in that I need some kinda reinforcement - I mean, we come to the stage looking for something, right?), but I'm smart enough to know that it takes two to tango. It's just that I'm the sort of person (blame it on my upbringing - Roman Catholic) who, while perfectly willing to share the blame, first thinks about ladling out my portion of it.
So there you have it. That's where I'm standing. I'm a little scattered, and I've the feeling that I've got to put my ducks in a row before heading back to New York City tomorrow. The scary thing is that I don't feel as though that's going to happen (not that you can order the affairs of your heart in a couple of days), but I'm a little scared that it's never going to happen.
How do you leave the person you thought you'd spend forever with? How do you do the things necessary to end it succinctly without burning bridges and avoiding hurt when you so want to believe that it's not completely your fault? How do you get angry enough to end it without being angry enough to say hurtful things? How do you be an adult?
Anyone have a manual they can loan me?
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