Ever have one of those days (or weeks, or in my case ½ months) where you're just sure that your biorhythms are way off? I've been feeling that way lately. Just really down.
The big thing is that Gavan and I are really re-assessing our relationship. He's got some very valid concerns about my being in New York City - essentially turning it into a long-distance one. Since I've been gone from Pittsburgh, he's been going through some pretty rough times, and he's felt like he's had to go through them alone. I guess he's feeling like he needs to have someone in his life who's there for him all the time, but at the same time he understands, I think, how important it is to me to do this New York experience. He knows that it's something he's had the chance to do and I haven't, and that I'd likely be resentful of him if he stood in my way. So we're in a difficult position. He wants to support me, but he wants to be in a relationship full time.
I'm on my way home this morning so that we can talk about these things - his needs and mine - and try to determine where our relationship stands.
I've been rather down lately for other reasons. Principally money. When I told people that I would be coming to New York, everyone seemed to think that I'd have no trouble finding temp jobs that would pay well enough to make the transition as painless as possible, and to date, I haven't been very lucky. When I first started looking at temp agencies, I had trouble finding some that would pay me what I think I'm worth, and my very first temp job only paid about $11 an hour. It didn't last all that long, either, 'cuz I had to cut it short for a trip to Pittsburgh. And when I got back from Pittsburgh, none of the four agencies I'd registered with called. So my money has slowly dwindled away, and there are bills coming due - and I need to get money to Gavan too, for the bills/mortgage at the Pittsburgh homestead.
Out of desperation, I went on a mission to hit more temp agencies... there are, after all, a million of them in New York City. And the good news is that I think I found one that is not only anxious to use me, but also says they're going to get me money more in line with what my skills are worth. The only problem is, this agency - called The Supporting Cast - was the last one I visited during the Temp Blitzkreig of 01®, and they won't be able to put me to work 'til I get back from Pittsburgh. So I'm gonna have to endure at least another week of ulcer-inducingly low bank account balances.
But still, it's good news to have work (I hope!) to look forward to when I get back. And the news isn't all bad, thankfully. On Tuesday, the same day that I was on the blitzkreig, I got a call from Roy Yokelson, a friend of Jeff's who I met last time Jeff was in town. Roy's an engineer at Sound Track, a recording studio downtown. Roy called me to come in for an audition. For the English dubbing of a Japanese anime series, of all things! So I went in and did my thing, and had a great time. In addition, I got to meet Sondra James, who's a casting director. The audition seemed to go pretty well, and even if nothing comes of it, I can't tell you how good it felt to be back in a booth, doing what I'm meant to be doing. It boosted my spirits immeasurably.
It's only now, as I'm heading home to face the music - all those things that have been waiting for me to deal with them (or him!) - that I've grown a little more melancholy. I just hope this depression isn't a sign of something bigger... I'm remembering the bad old days before I discovered therapy, and though it's not always so, sometimes I wonder if I haven't returned there. I guess just the fact that I'm so aware of it, and so often take steps to shake it off, is proof enough that I haven't sunk as far as the old days.
It took me a while, but I'm forcing myself back into this journal, too. Trying to be faithful to my promise to record my thoughts - even when they're not the brightest things out there.
That's another thing I've been wrestling with a lot, lately - exactly how much of what I'm really thinking should be going into this journal. How truthful can you be about your thoughts when it's possible that thousands of people are reading them - especially the people that you're writing about? I don't delude myself into thinking that hundreds or thousands of people are reading the thoughts I'm posting here, but I do know that people who are featured in these entries are reading them. For instance, one of the problems that Gavan and I have been working through is Buster, and how Gavan let me get a dog because he wanted me to be happy, but didn't really want a dog at all - and was in fact really opposed to the idea. Some of my comments about having to come home during my Philadelphia stay and find a care-giver for Buster actually hurt Gavan's feelings (and probably his pride, too; I mean, who wants to look like a bad guy when it comes to not being able to take care of a dog?). But this illustrates the point perfectly... the things I wrote hurt his feelings and made him feel as though he weren't being fairly portrayed, and you know what? He wasn't. I mean, everything that I wrote was the truth, but the things that I wrote weren't nearly as harsh as the things I wanted to write, because I was genuinely hurt and angry at that time, too. I censor myself to spare other people (not just Gavan), and it seems to me that it makes the whole thing a pointless exercise if I do that. Isn't the point of a journal or diary to record what you're thinking? The point isn't that you've always got to justify what you're feeling or prove that your side of things is right, but that you record what you're feeling; either to get them down for later consideration, or just to vent the feelings so they don't fester.
Kind of a sketchy time to be dealing with this issue, when I don't know where I stand with Gavan, and I'm surely gonna have a lot of thoughts to vent or evaluate in the coming weeks. So we'll see where this leads.
Oh, do you remember a couple of entries back when I talked about flying into New York City and lamented the fact that I didn't have my digital camera locked and loaded? Well, when I returned to the city after my last trip home, I was prepared. 
These pictures are okay, but they aren't all I would like them to be - there's a lens kit that I'd like to get for my Kodak DC280 that would have allowed more close-up shots, but that's gonna have to wait until I'm a lot more settled and have a lot more money in the bank. So anyway, these aren't all the shots, but they're some of my favorites. Take a look at this first one (you'll need to click on these thumbnails to get the bigger versions)... that area in the center of the picture is the Statue of Liberty from above... this is the one I most wish I'd been able to zoom in on. 
The next shot is, probably, my favorite... it shows the southern part of Manhattan from the air. I just love this view... but seeing it from above really makes you wonder how the hell they managed to fit all those people on that little island - and makes you appreciate all the public services that somehow manage to be coordinated everyday, even if it's not always as well coordinated as you'd like. I think twice now before bitching about the subway trains. The next one on the right is more of Lower Manhattan, and the one after that is roughly the same shot... in both of them, you can see the expanse of Central Park right under the wing. It's amazing to me just how much I love seeing the city from above. I guess it's 'cuz you have a chance to feel as though, somehow, being above it all, you've mastered it, or you're in control of it. 
When I see it from above, the sheer mass of Manhattan doesn't intimidate me - not in the way that it can when you feel like one tiny person in an island of three million, swallowed by the gaping maws of canyons of concrete and scrambling, clawing people. Seeing Manhattan from above, I don't feel like a wild animal competing with all the other wild animals for the few scraps of food to be had. It energizes me and makes me want to be a part of it, to plunge back in and try again. The truest words I ever heard spoken were by the person who said to me, "To thrive in Manhattan you have to leave it and come back as often as you can."
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