Doing Some Math

I know that in an ideal world, we see ourselves clearly all the time: Our motivations are clear, our needs and the reasons behind them are obvious - we see ourselves the way we really are; the way other people do. Sadly these things aren't really constant - and, for me, at least, they tend to come in surprise bursts. Which isn't necessarily always a pleasant surprise.

I mean, I'm usually happy (and often kinda delighted and proud) when I get sudden insights into my character, but every once in a while you realize something about yourself that you knew but didn't allow to sink in.

I've always known that I was a bit of a chicken hawk; I'm way too fond of the young guys (and I should point out that, in my case, "young" pretty much means 28 or so); but I was sitting here contemplating the world about me, and suddenly saw very clearly how it seemed to me I must look to others, constantly oogling these guys that I can never,ever have. It made me feel silly and foolish.

Maybe I'm approaching that time in my life when I need to just accept the fact that I'm getting older and need to let the whole adolescent fantasy thing go. There might be something to said for maintaining the energy of your youth by hanging with younger people, but one has to wonder when one crosses the line and becomes just a sad old guy who can't see exactly how sad he is.

Which, of course, begs the question: Do you do what seems to be the sensible thing and seek connections with people your own age, or do you just give up looking for any sorts of connections because you don't want to "settle?" Not exactly sure where I stand there.

Something else has got me thinking, too. I've always thought that some day I would settle down and maybe adopt a baby, and I realized that, even if I managed to get my own life in order and my finances in shape enough to do so in the next five years, I'd be 61 when my kid was old enough to go off to college. I'm not sure I want my child to have a 61 year old dad when he/she goes off to college. So maybe that's a dream that I'm going to have to let fall by the wayside.

A friend once defined growing up for as learning to sort out your dreams and realizing which weren't ever going to happen and learning to let them go.

Maybe I'm growing up? Something to think about.

Hey, check out the cute picture of Amy & Rob's dog, Zoey! She's my new best friend, and makes me miss Buster something awful. I've been thinking a lot about him, lately, hoping that he's happy in his new home.