e first couple of days of my vacation have been a bit of a whirlwind. Very good, but a whirlwind nonetheless. The crazy flight which ended up getting into West Palm 3½ hours late (at 1 a.m.!), wasn't as bad as it could have been. Tom thinks I'm handling it with a lot more equanimity than I might - and we were pretty much in bed by 2 a.m. So much for the swimming we'd sworn to do as soon as I arrived! It's okay, though, 'cuz I definitely needed the sleep.
I was up at 10 a.m. yesterday and we were on the road for Tampa, which is where we are now. Tom's here for the Florida Professional Theatre Association's combined auditions. So I'm sitting on a canal reading and getting some sun while he's going through his very first audition in something like three years. I'm very excited for him, and also maybe a little jealous. There's a part of me that's wishing I could do this too - that I was back in the thick of things, auditioning and schmoozing and doing all those things I love to hate.
Which, of course, is important to remember: How much I loathe all the things that are required of the actor trying to find work. I've always been of the opinion that casting people should just know how good I am, and should cast me regardless of how non-charming I feel in a crowd. Damn them.
It's funny, too, watching everyone make their way in for their auditions - how together they all seem, how prepared. I remember my own auditions, having to work so hard not to notice of be spooked by the confidence of the other actors - the "real" professionals, I thought - standing around waiting to out-act me. I wonder if those same fears and inadequacies will plague me when I go back to it someday?
The crazy duality of it, too. I know I'm good - I do! I know I have a gift that so many people would kill for... but there's always that secret fear that someone will catch on, see past me, discover I'm some kind of a sham. Discover the flaw in me that even I don't see.
A person could go blind here, I tell you! I've never seen so many chestnut brown white people in all my life! It boggles the mind that something that's so bad for you can do such wonders for a person's appearance.
I don't know why it should strike me as so odd, but I'm always thrown when I realize that a woman is flirting with me! It's very weird, if you ask me - which, of course, begs the question of why it should seem so odd. Nothing wrong (or particularly shocking, I would hope) that another person might find me attractive, even if it is on I could never fall for. Lord knows I find enough people attractive that would never fall for me! It's just that when some nice woman smiles at me, or starts making with the eyes, that I feel as though it's unkind not to immediately disabuse her. Then again, it's entirely too possible that once again my enormous ego is projecting things onto an otherwise just-plain-old-friendly person. Go figure.
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