"Shut Up And Let Me Have My Way"

Okay, what the eff happened to good manners? Where's Miss Marple or Manners or whateverthefuck her name is when you need her? Who's teaching people not to chew with their mouths open? That the street at my feet isn't your personal fucking spitoon? That while there's nothing at all wrong with having fun, the people at the next table don't necessarily want to listen to every fucking word of your "hilarious" anectdote about the black guy salting his watermelon?!?

I never thought I'd be this guy, but there's no getting around it: When I was young, if we weren't being considerate of the people around us, we got a good knock upside the head. And while I'm not entirely sure that didn't contribute to my own spectacular brand of fucked-uppedness, at least we let people be their own crazy selves in privacy.

Alas, those days are long gone, and I never thought I'd be a crotchety old guy pining for days of yore, but things have gone just waaay too far.

What are you people doing glued to American Idol? Why do you care about the human train wrecks on Big Brother XXIII? And someone please explain to me: The Surreal Life?!?

I've been turned off of "reality" TV since the moment Julie and Kevin had their first misunderstanding about race on The Real World way back in 1992. Don't get me wrong -- I think it's wonderful that we can address these very real problems we have in a public forum. But that's not the way to do it; shouting at each other, rather than talking to each other?

The only good thing to come out of reality TV is the chance to see Eric Nies in various states of undress. It almost makes the whole thing worth it.