Ugh.

So, this is how lame I am.

In the three weeks I've been back in Pittsburgh, I've twice run into this guy upon whom I had the most hardcore crush when I first came out. In fact, I think the crush actually started even before I was out.

Anyway, long ago in my fumbling I-just-came-out-and-I'm-not-sure- how-this-works kinda way, I put the moves on this guy and he just plain rejected me. Actually, he didn't even have the balls to reject me out and out, he just sidestepped it and left me feeling like a total loser. Which, I don't doubt, is part of the reason I'm so gun-shy about coming on to anyone to this day.

And how do I react, seeing this guy again after all these years?

I get depressed and feel like a big fat loser all over again. Suddenly, no time at all as gone by, and I feel like the wallflower watching the cool kids dancing. I'm the poor not-quite-ugly-but- not quite-cute-enough roly-poly guy that all the Chelsea clones look right through.

A decade of progress wiped out in ten minutes.

Sometimes you really, really can't escape your past.