06 August 2005

Is That An Editorial Comment?

I'm doing my best not to take it as some sort of directed editorial comment when attractive (at least, to me) gay men look right through me when I attempt to make eye contact.

Maybe I'm starting to get desperate and my desperation is beginning to show. It's true that gay men, like dogs with fear, can smell desperation and it sends them running.

Oddly, I find myself giving the hairy eyeball to a wider assortment of men than I've ever found attractive before -- bodybuilders, even! When did that happen?

I just encountered this youngish -- maybe 25 y/o - guy who was either carrying a few extra pounds or was a gymoholic. I suspect the latter. Totally not my type, but he did have that sharp jaw I like, and had eyes of the blue that so resemble a deep strata of ice.

I tried to smile at him as we both walked into the Starbucks on Craig, but he looked right through me. Then, in line waiting for service, this Asian guy started chatting him up. Next thing I knew they were laughing it up and smiling. Just strangers connecting while stuck in a queue, but if made me wonder what it is about me that prevents me from making these easy connections. Why is it that I'm so socially awkward that I can't chat a guy up (if I may be allowed to split my infinitive) without him sensing my naked lust, even when it's not there?

I'm left wondering what happened to the easy glibness with which I dazzled people when I was desperate to be liked in the days pre-therapy? Maybe it's like a muscle that, if not used, atrophies and won't work anymore. About the only people I'm able to pull it out for these days are close friends.

Maybe I should take a Dale Carnegie course.

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