I think I'm finally beginning to find a rhythm here in New York City. I've been lucky enough to have temped since the end of last week - though that's going to come to an end tomorrow, and I've got nothing set for next week. I'll just hope that the folks at The Laury Group come through for next week. And I've had a couple of dates with a nice man named David... different from the David I went out with before going to Pittsburgh. I'm starting, I think, to get a sense of what it's like to really live here, and meet people, and - I don't know - just relax into a place.
Of course the search continues for a more permanent living arrangement, but I knew that was going to be part of living here - the gradually working my way toward a place of my own.
Something weird happened to me this week. I got into a sort of heated e-exchange with my brother, Tim, which has got me all out of sorts. We disagreed rather vehemently about something, and in the end he sent me an e-mail which ended with "have a nice life." I haven't heard from him since. I feel just as strongly that I was right as he does that he was, I'm sure, but I was really struck by the way he handled it. I think I've mentioned our family never dealt well with conflict resolution. Anyway, I regret that we have this disagreement, but he's gotta deal with it in his way - I don't have any control over that. And frankly, Tim's been sort of like Pluto in my life since he went away to the navy twenty years ago... definitely part of the solar system, but so far away as to have little contact.
What's really gotten me off kilter is that I started having some really vivid memories from my childhood. The whole argument had me remembering things about our family dynamic that are really unsettling. I took a lot of shit as a child because my mom doted on me... I was the baby of the family, so even I knew that I was spoiled, and it, I'm sure, only got worse after my eldest brother, Bill died. But somehow I had managed to block out or forget or whatever how truly hateful some of my brothers and sisters were because of that. And while IMing with my sister Sue the other day, she casually mentioned that she thought "everyone resented your intelligence, too."
I didn't think I was that smart.
Anyway, these memories have been coming back and hitting me pretty hard. I haven't slept particularly well all week. I think the part that's disturbing me most is how I've always been the "build a bridge and get over it" guy of the family, but I can't seem to do that, right now. I find myself really, really angry.
I've always known that the funniest people are usually the angriest, but I've never been really willing to look into the wellspring of my anger - always walking the fine line between "the unexamined life is not worth living" and "what the fuck's up with all the navel-gazing?"
So there I stand. I'm fast-approaching my thirty-eighth birthday, and suddenly I'm pissed off about my childhood? It seems a little cliched, don't you think? Very "movie of the week."
Of course the search continues for a more permanent living arrangement, but I knew that was going to be part of living here - the gradually working my way toward a place of my own.
Something weird happened to me this week. I got into a sort of heated e-exchange with my brother, Tim, which has got me all out of sorts. We disagreed rather vehemently about something, and in the end he sent me an e-mail which ended with "have a nice life." I haven't heard from him since. I feel just as strongly that I was right as he does that he was, I'm sure, but I was really struck by the way he handled it. I think I've mentioned our family never dealt well with conflict resolution. Anyway, I regret that we have this disagreement, but he's gotta deal with it in his way - I don't have any control over that. And frankly, Tim's been sort of like Pluto in my life since he went away to the navy twenty years ago... definitely part of the solar system, but so far away as to have little contact.
What's really gotten me off kilter is that I started having some really vivid memories from my childhood. The whole argument had me remembering things about our family dynamic that are really unsettling. I took a lot of shit as a child because my mom doted on me... I was the baby of the family, so even I knew that I was spoiled, and it, I'm sure, only got worse after my eldest brother, Bill died. But somehow I had managed to block out or forget or whatever how truly hateful some of my brothers and sisters were because of that. And while IMing with my sister Sue the other day, she casually mentioned that she thought "everyone resented your intelligence, too."
I didn't think I was that smart.
Anyway, these memories have been coming back and hitting me pretty hard. I haven't slept particularly well all week. I think the part that's disturbing me most is how I've always been the "build a bridge and get over it" guy of the family, but I can't seem to do that, right now. I find myself really, really angry.
I've always known that the funniest people are usually the angriest, but I've never been really willing to look into the wellspring of my anger - always walking the fine line between "the unexamined life is not worth living" and "what the fuck's up with all the navel-gazing?"
So there I stand. I'm fast-approaching my thirty-eighth birthday, and suddenly I'm pissed off about my childhood? It seems a little cliched, don't you think? Very "movie of the week."
No comments:
Post a Comment